Softly his hands moved to his heart. He felt his heart beating..might it be weak? That's what he asked himself all the time. When he stood on stage he sang deep from the heart..and he layed his hand on his heart..well this was the way he showed what much he loves to sing. He looked down to the audience, smiled and said his loved >Hello< The girls screamed mass louder and acted like crazy. Brian jumped onto the speaker box and reached his arm to touch the fans in first row. He felt happy, he felt lively he just felt increadible ! Some seconds and he jumped back down to the stage . He landed hard. The music of >Quit playing games< started. So he had to run back to the mid part of the stage. The boys build a row and AJ missed a step this time..noone seemed notice that. AJ got into the sync ..and everything went fine. Brian walked a few step ahead and began to sing >Even in my heart..< And just in this moment, he sang the word heart, his heart suddenly ached like hell..his voice stopped..Nick noticed that anything was wrong with Brian. He ran to the crew and told them to play another song. So the crew played >This is how we do it< Finally Aj and the other boys got out of rythym and wondered. >AJ do Montell !!< Nick shouted full of fear. Aj took that part and acted wild to that music. He made the best out this situation. He had all the fan's eyes on him. Brian tryed to smile..Nick ran back to him and propped him toughly. Brian said >It's okay..I'm fine<
Nick just sended that look and Brian knew Nick allready got the thing..
So they both went backstage. Brian sat down, he breathed deep .
>What happened?<  Nick asked carefully. >Go back on stage< Brian whispered with his last words he could say. The boys continued the show..after a while the fans noticed that Brian was far the stage for a time.
Brian felt mass guilty..he wondered, but he knew that his heart was weak.
He just knew it since that day as he felt the hurt deep inside.
He closed his eyes. Then he said to himself >everything is fine and god will stay by my. I'm gonna finish that show !!< He just could never leave the audience this way. He came back to stage.
He jumped around like a clown, smiled to all girls and sang his song
>That's the way I like it< he jumped down to the photographer's area and touched all the girls hands in the line. Very cool..more than that !
Nick wondered a lot, but he forgot it and concentrated to the show.
Kevin knew Brian could never go on this way. With a tearing feeling he looked to his cousin and prayed god would safe him.
And he did. Brian must had had three angels of luck around himself.

The show was over. Brian walked through the backstage rooms. He was very nervous and could not sit down at one place..he walked around, smiled to everybody and finally he joked with some girls who came backstage. He even kissed that one red haired..>I love red hair..< he laughed and hugged that girl. The girl was a fan of Kev but she forgot him and thought what nice Brian is and all that stuff. Suddenly Brian shouted >Hey ho<
He goofed around like a duck and stuff. Til he felt this hurt again..he wanted to hide it, but he couldn't and fall down on a bank.
He just prayed..and it went fine. The hurt stopped. But then he leaved the girls. >Bring me back to hotel< he jelled to the sec. >Hurry up!< he shouted again. The girl was upset. How could he change so much ?!
Brian seemed not funny anymore , either angree . The girls noticed that, but they ignored it and searched for the other BSboys.

An hour later Brian layed on the bed in the hotel. He pretended to Nick
>It's nothing I just feel weak .< Brian tryed to play happy and be good condition, but he wasn't ! This time he only wanted to be alone..naaa..
just the next one came into his room. It was Kevin, he cared about him and asked >Everything ok ? really ?< Brian jumped off his bed >watch ! I'm fine and now give me some free time !< Kevin was totally off happyness, pushed Brian very hard and said >You'll keep calm or I tell Lou what's going on with you !!< >Why you gonna dis me like that ??!< Brian felt not very good and now all the boys annoyed him madly..he only wanted to be alone..but noone let him..noone..couldn't he never be sole ?!
Brian turned into nice >Kevee would you please bring me a coke ?<
>good !< Kev replied and moved off the room. Brian locked the door. Right after that he turned off the light and layed down on his bed. He felt the tears run down his face, he felt anything is wrong and he knew by god he had to calm down a lot. He layed his hand onto his heart..it beated tough.

Just the time he slept in, I got up at home. My heart beated too fast, my eyes felt dry and my mind said to me >Anything is wrong< I was nervous and walked up and down my room. I switched on the Tv. >All I have to give< the brand new BSB video was on..I felt love and all that. I fancy Brian that much..he's so sweet , he's my man..all that stupid stuff..
The telephone rang..I took it. My friend told me the boys are in New York just this time..I gone mad and told he >I cry I miss them so much..why can't they come back to germany ? Tell me why ..Jamie..why does Brian sleep in a bed so far away and Jamie, why does AJ not care for you ??! I need em !< Jamie laughed and replied >You're that nutty bsb fan..don't go mad..a few days and we'll see them at the BSB..we'll even meet them !! We get that..we get it..I promise..Did you see the new BSB video ?< >I saw it..but I want to kiss Brian for his sweet voice for his smile for his great acting..< Jamie laughed again and told me I should forget it and do better think of that boy we got to know yesterday..I quitted that talk.
Brian was in NEw York..he slept deep, he never knew what I could feel for him and what I gone crazy without him..but the other hand, I did not knew he had this wrong with his heart. That it gone weak again.
The sun shines bride..the air is cool..stop it ..just stop it I said to myself. I tryed to picture what Brian would do this time. But I couldn't get one picture !

While I was driving myself crazy, Brian woke up late at night. He felt a big chaos..he didn't knew why. So he stood up.
He took out his book and wrote a line >baby you know I'll be there for you even when you want me too I'll be here and can't come to you, why I promised to be with you why I pray why I write these lines..please answer my questions baby..come to me , kiss me and make my heart go tough again..girl I need you. < He read what he wrote and could not believe it..

This moment I crushed my arm against the wall..I went that mind-lost trough my house that I crushed..it hurted ..and what it hurted !! I cryed and shouted >Stupid walll !! Why can't you move away when I'm coming ??<
I was crazy I knew it, I was completely mad. My day gone all wrong without Brian. How much I wished he could he here. I went to my computer and wrote a poem >baby you know I'll be there for you..please want me too and I could come to you. Why you promised to be with me, why you pray and why do I write these lines ? Please reply my endless questions..come to me, kiss me lil heart happy again<
Suddenly my heart ached, I lost my breath and everything was black.
I did not know what was going on..Until my mum came to me and woke me up:
>Jan..what happened ?! Oh my god !< I wondered and replied >No it's okay mum< I felt something strange, something very mystic thing.

Brian opened his eyes. He looked around and wondered. Had he fallen down ?
He cryed: >My heart please let me live..why are you destroying my life..why you become weak again..why ..< He dryed his eyes. >I do not cry ! I'm a man..< He breathed deeply. He took that paper on which he wrote the lines.
He tryed to sleep. But he couldn't. Too many thoughts were running around his mind. So he kept the eyes open and waited.

I was ok. I stood at the airport, my heart full of hope to meet Brian in New York. Finally I sat in the plane. I was much too risky. What I would do in this big town. I've never been to NY..how could I know what hotel the boys are ?! ..I was mad..I took all my money for that plane to NY.
The time came..the plane landed in NY. I took a car and told the driver to bring me to the best hotel in town. He did.
I wondered a lot. That hotel was fine it was big ! I felt mass happy..I was here in NY and noone could stop me. I'm gonna meet the boys !
So I checked the hotel..there were no guards or securities. They weren't any girls who looked like they were fans of bSB. I surely was wrong in this hotel. BSB would never be here...never..so I moved into the lift.
I was dreamy and out of the world..
>Hi !< I was scared ! I turned around and guess..I looked into the warm face of Kevin !! I could not believe what I saw and just replied >Hi !<
>My name is Kevin. How are you going ?< he said. I tryed to stay cool..my knees rocked emself to crush..anyway it felt like that ! He layed his arm on my shoulder and said >Hy girl. You seem weak !< Ohh how much he careed for me. I was so nervous and lost my mind..all was off. I guess I fall down into his arms.
>Hee..comon< I opened my eyes and watched into the most beautyful face in the world. It was Brian !! I cryed..I cryed and could not open a smile to that boy I ever wantet to meet. >Why do you cry ?< he whispered.
>I'm so weak...and I ...< that's what I said with a very poor voice.
I noticed I was lying in a bed..and it was not my hotel room ! There was a lot of stuff on the floor and all that. Brian sat beside me and smiled , he took out a paper and read: >Baby you know I'll be there for you, even when you want me too..< >hey !< I broke. >That's exactly the thing I wrote last day !!< Brian wondered and said >That should be the words for a new song I work at< I just smiled, took out my paper and he read it.
>That's unbelieveable !< I said >yeah..< I dreamed myself into his lovely
appearance. He wondered..then he kissed me. He said >Are you the girl for that I prayed so much to have beside me ?< I was totally off and could not say one word. He smiled, took my paper into his jacket that was lying on the floor. He gone off the room. I was alone in his room !! Ahm..why did Kev brought me into Brian's room ? Slowly I moved out the bed . I took a card on that were written all the telephone numbers to the rooms of the other boys. I picked out Kevin's and called him. >Kev thank you!< I said and he said >No comment< I asked >why'd you know ?< He laughed > I saw that photo of Brian in your pocket and you just have to be a fan of him, aren't you ?!< I said to him >I am..thank you so much I love you !< This moment Brian came back into the room and said >Who do you love ?!<
I smiled and replied: >I love you and I said Kevin I love him because he brought me into your room..it was embarrassing..I just fall into his arms as we met in the lift..very embarrassing..but he's very cool !<
Brian closed the door, moved closer to me and whispered >You're my heart..you're my girl and I'll never let you go. <
I melted away. Then he kissed me softly. I felt he was strong but anything was not okee, why he counted that much on me lil girl ?
Why he does all these things and why he won't miss me ?
Brian and I sat down on the bed. He said >Noone knows..but I may tell you.
My heart is weak and I don't feel very good. I'm okee now but it may get serious very soon and I have so much fear of it. I prayes a lot and then you came..sended by angels into my life ..you're tough and you'll be mine.<
He kissed me again. I felt increadible happy.
>Promise to go calm promise to..< I said. Brian looked into my eyes and said >I can't . I need to sing, to act, to dance, to make you fans happy..you won't tell anyone about my heart,  won't you ?!<
He hugged me tough. >I still can't believe we wrote the same words..<
he whispered. >Keep me forever in your heart< he said.
It went serious. Brian felt very near to me. He wanted a person he just could tell everything and he knew I would understand it.
I hoped that moment would last forever..but it didn't.

I just woke up and realized it was only a dream...

                                Jee missin ya so much.......